A very small step

Not been up to much lately other than trying to cope with the reduction in tablets - which isn't going so well as I just seem to be sleeping all the time.

One thing which I did accomplish though is I overcame anxiety and managed to go somewhere without having to meet anyone outside. I amazed myself! Although it did help that I was knackered and needed a sit down and a drink! It also helped that I vaguely knew someone who was there.

That was on Sunday night, and I've pretty much slept since then :(

Although tonight I realised I've lost part of a back tooth so that needs sorting before I resort to stupid/drastic measures like last time - I pulled out one of my own teeth cos I was in that much pain :(

Must. Do. Something.

After the emotion of yesterday, and the amount of shutting off from the world I did :( I think I need some serious help before I ruin everything around me, including me.

Had really bad dreams last night, to the point where again I was disorientated when I got up and had to check my arm to make sure it wasn't real :(

Just trying not to waste my morning catching up on all the silly facebook games, while feeling really anxious about phoning the doctor to see if I can see my nice doctor today and admitting I feel like I'm losing it all over again.

On a separate note, where did the sun go? Feeling a bit cold today.

I seem to be Invisible again.

I'm pretty sure I've turned invisible again. Was in maplin's having a teeny tiny bit of retail therapy (bought a usb tv stick so I don't have to rely on the internet for citv when Ollie's here!). I was stood in the queue for a good 10mins and it felt like everyone else was getting served and not me.

Then this asian bloke jumped the queue but luckily the lad on the till saw me.

Other than that, I don't think anyone in town saw me, I was just drifting.

On a side note, I don't think I'm coping with the reduced dose of anti-depressants, my mood has seriously shifted along with my sleep pattern. I was wide awake till 5am this morning, then got up around 10am. Just hoping the walk into town has tired me out so I might get to bed at a more human time tonight cos I don't fancy being nocturnal again, especially when I can't smoke.

Waiting. Forever waiting.

In the doctor's (walk-in) waiting for as long as it takes to see a doctor. Just hope i'm not here when it gets dark (they're open while 10pm). I really need some help, don't think I can carry on being me otherwise.

Bad naps :(

So after the last post, I crashed out and woke up at 8:41. I wasn't sure what time of day it was (morning or night) and again I was disorientated. It's 1:03am and I'm wondering if the reduced dose of meds is already impacting on me? I hope not too much as I don't think they're helping that much lately.

Still feel despondent, lethargic, and drained...I wish you could buy happiness in a bottle or jar, I feel like I need a giant dose just to remember what it's like.

That's the thing with depression (or mine at least), my mood is similar to a flatline and only ever seems to go down. Sometimes it goes up but only briefly, never for more than a few hours.

It's odd but I feel like I've got pins n needles all over.

Why is there so many hurdles to get over

I'm sat here trying to resist having an afternoon nap because I'm just tired of everything, tired of fighting (for the moment), just tired.

Why is it when I feel like I'm getting some things sorted, it just takes the tiniest thing to put me back. I had so many things I wanted to do before I'm 40, but now I'll just be thankful if I'm still functioning.

Maybe it's just the Monday blues, who knows, I just feel really emotional and wish I could cry instead of sleep but for some reason my body doesn't want to cry a lately, and I wish I knew why.

I've got so many things I want to do, and some that I need (must?) to do but no energy to jump the hurdles.

Surely it can't be the reduced dosage of medication taking effect already

Back from the doctor's

So it was worth the wait, and the wait was bloody annoying for the first 2 hours. Couple of toddlers testing their mum's, and said mum's were shouting (or speaking so loud - it was hard to tell) instead of trying to engage with their kids.

Anyway I digress, turns out my CBT worker woman sent a message to my doctor to let her know that CBT wasn't working for me so I should try some voluntary work or workshops. Now, voluntary work doesn't appeal at all, if anything I think it would make me hate people even more, though I suppose it would depend on what kind of work it was. Workshops appeal to me more, though it sounds like some of them involve some kind role play in front of people - and I still have bad memories about doing that in Uni, in front of friends lol.

We're also changing my medication. I'm moving from 40mg Citalopram to something else beginning with C - I was concentrating more on how I need to reduce my dosage by 10mg per week so that I can start on the new ones which start at 25mg and go up to 100mg.

I also learned that Venlafaxine (I used to be on these) can't be prescribed without a psychiatric referral - my old doctor just prescribed them without that....bad doctor!

And also that they shouldn't prescribe a higher dosage of Citalopram without a psychiatric referral either - I seem to remember hearing this before that 40mg was the most they could prescribe and 60+mg was only prescribed if you were under psychiatric supervision or somesuch.

So the next few weeks looks interesting, just hope I don't get any lower than I am really, though as always my doctor did say to go back if I felt worse.

I do like my doctor's, they're good cos they're the first surgery I've been at that actually care, and they explain why they do what they do. Not to mention it's open 8am - 10pm every day, 365 days a year (I thought they closed for xmas). It's a walk-in centre too, so if you can't wait for an appointment you can always wait as a walk-in patient.

I also need to be re-referred back to the hospital about my kidney's. Originally it was my right kidney that was giving me all the pain, but recently it's my left one (where the cyst is). My doc thinks it could be inflamed so to keep taking the codeine until the hospital get back in touch.

So, now, while I'm waiting for workshops to happen, I need to try and regain/re-learn some social skills - anyone fancy helping?!!

Puzzled by people (pt.2)

I've been fighting the need to nap since this post, and I think my body wants to sleep instead of dealing with the emotions. I want to cry so much, but I can't and I don't know why I can't.

Normal service will be resumed shortly

fml atm

Puzzled by people

Love is the answer.

I'm pretty good at puzzles but puzzled by people
And I don't trouble trouble and trouble don't trouble me.
Stare at the paper, fold it in two
Facing the walls are the soles of my shoes.

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

We never had a crossword
My words got lost and you never heard
I'm 2 down you're one across the room
Beginning with I and ending in U
Beginning in my eye and ending as an X
Leaves a bad taste in my mouth
To think of you again like the bad taste leaking from the ink in my pen
Doodle at the side as I do to in life
Choosing to lose time instead of doing what I like
Starts off black and white and lacking in life
Until pen in blue lends it a hue.

Puzzled by people
Loving isn't easy
You can't google the solutions to people's feelings

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

Chewing on the pen
2 down again
Not enough letters for the clue in my head
Lost in thought, never been there before
With the turn of a pun on the tip of my tongue
The freshest memory will fail to recall
As well as the messiest, faded scrawl

I'm puzzled by people
Loving isn't easy
You can't google the solutions to people's feelings

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

Love is the answer.

I'm puzzled by people
Loving isn't easy
You can't google the solutions to people's feelings

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

Love is the answer.

A different start to my blog today.

This song+lyrics pretty much are where I'm at today, and possibly for a while I'm not sure.

You see, I don't see myself as socially inept, but I'm having major troubles reading people at the moment. Is it me or my state of mind, or the complete lack of social interaction I've suffered since losing my job?

Had a really nice drink with Chantelle last night and well, some things she said in a friendly way I mistook for something else. my bad :(

It's like sometimes I don't know if people are being my friend because they value me as a friend or feel sorry for me. It's really wierd being inside me and looking out, always wary about what's going on around me, how people are around me.

Maybe I should just rent a cave in the Peaks and become a hermit when Ollie isn't around. I don't think I'm too bad when Ollie is around because he does make me feel alive and happy (when he's not being mr grumpy, which makes me sad)

For all the insights depression has given me into my emotions, I wonder whether it's stripped me what I knew about people so that I have to somehow start to learn again.

I just feel so emotionally tired and want to give up. I've hardly been awake today, this is how my body (or brain) copes with it - it shuts off, sometimes quite literally.

I wish I could google the answers or find some help or something.

I wanted to write more, but even just thinking about the words are emotionally tiring me out. Is it just me or do others with anxiety and/or depression go through this. Might have to have a nap to get rid of this feeling :(

Waking up confused!

So last night I had 4 hours sleep, but I think it was very deep sleep (which makes a change!) as I woke up somewhat confused. So confused that I forgot how much sugar I put in my morning coffee, then went out for a fag but locked the door behind me and couldn't understand why the door was locked when I tried to get back in the house *doh* *lol*

It was a very vivid dream (or was it a nightmare, I don't know). And it seems to be recurring which makes me wonder whether my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

My dream consists of being with someone who I love and care about, but she doesn't have a face. We're laid in a field on a hot summer's day, just chatting and holding hands while staring at the clouds. And for that briefest of moments, a part of my life seems sorted.

I don't know, maybe it's because Charlene seems so happy now that she's got a love interest, or maybe it is a part of my psyche/subconscious telling me that if that was me then at least that would be a third of my depression that I didn't have to worry about.

You see, way back when this all started (depression), I felt like my whole life had fallen apart; my love life was in ruin, I hated my job/career path, and my health was failing me - my mental health worker at the time said I was unique because usually people suffering from depression only have one thing that makes them fall apart so it's easier to get them to conquer it. Not me, no, I had to be bloody different!

I wish I could calm the noise in my head so I could meditate and ask my subconscious (my self) if it's trying to send me a message!!

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world"

Just thought I'd share this quote, I don't know who it's attributed to as it was just posted by one of the pagan groups I follow on facebook.

A meeting of minds

Just another one of them random thoughts I'd like to release.

I am quite humbled to be in a small community (my dear followers and friends) of like minded individuals who all share the commonality of having been touched by mental "disorder". I was just thinking whether it would be good or bad to be able to collaborate as it seems the majority of medical help doesn't seem to do the job?

I know from my own thought sharing and reading your lovely comments, and also reading your amazing blogs that we do seem to be helping each other in a kind of fragmented way.

Would a closed blog or facebook group be a good idea to share our life experiences aside from our blogs be a worthy idea. I'm not thinking to replace our blogs, but more a place to offer each other help and support from our own respective experiences?

Just a thought

xXx

A bit about me

Thought I'd post some snippets (may turn out to be more!) of information about me. I'm not sure why, other than feeling the need to share some of my soul with you.

I was born in the year of decimalisation, so I'm 1971 years younger than the current year (thanks Mike Skinner for that line!).

At school I was one of the few kids who didn't have a specific job in mind so I took gcse's that I liked (mostly arty stuff!!). Oh, and I was in the first year of gcse's and they were bloody hard then.

Surprisingly I don't have many of the views and values of my family; I formed my own opinion of the world around me at an early age, suffice to say I don't have any racist or small-minded-ness that my family seem to suffer from.

When I was 15 I got beat up and still have a fairly big scar on my thigh to remind me - I also have the mental scar of being scared?afraid of large groups of people if I'm alone. (There wasn't any reason why I got beat up, just in the wrong place at the wrong time)

Up until the age of 21 I had a strawberry birthmark on the back of my head. I was forced or coerced into having it removed by my doctor, my family, and my girlfriend at the time. I had plastic surgery to remove it, and still have a scar that's visible when my hair is short.

At some point between 21 and 22 my girlfriend at the time started cheating on me with my manager which really messed me up. When we split up I didn't know who I was anymore so ended up self-harming. Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, I used a scalpel to carve pictures in my arms. This was ongoing for a while, and got to the point where I didn't trust myself to be around sharp pointy things. Then one day I was in a book shop and a book called out to me. The Power of the Witch by Laurie Cabot.

I read this book many times and I truly believe it found me because I needed it. That's when I realised I was a Pagan and why the Christian teachings never made much sense to me.

I lost my job, which was a blessing as it forced me to rethink my path. So I took time out from work-life and went back to college. I did a year at college and met some amazing people before going on to University to do Software Engineering; where again I met some amazing people. Although sadly, there's only one real friend who stays in contact now, the rest are either acquaintances or further away than that.

The thing about going to University is that they don't prepare you for going (back) out into industry when you've finished, which often makes me wonder whether my depression started back then. (I graduated in 2000). I know a few others from my year that have been battling with depression as well.

In 2004 Ollie was born, or to give him his full name, Oliver Jake Rainbow Frost.

I think he's destined for great things because his birthdate is 8/2/4 which screams of magick to me!

In 2008 my world fell apart. I wasn't happy with my lovelife, my worklife, or anything for that matter other than Ollie. My ex- spent 2 weeks emotionally and mentally abusing me; nothing I did was good enough for her. I couldn't cope with anything and was diagnosed with depression.

And then not long after this, anxiety clouded my life too.

At some point I moved out of the family home and into a rented house. I managed to "survive" for between 6 and 9 months before the debts got the better of me and had to move back home. Other things happened while I was in that house, and it all feels a bit surreal now.

On 17th September 2010 I was dismissed from my job as a Web Developer at Sheffield Hallam University due to my mental health. I fought the dismissal up until December when I just lost all motivation to carry on.

I'm still living at my mum n dad's, in a kind of limbo while I try and sort my life out slowly.

I pick Ollie up from school on a Friday and his mum picks him up Saturday teatime, that's my routine (other than taking the various medicines).

Recently I've been wondering if computery things is the right career path for me, or has depression opened up some new insights...I'll ponder on this and maybe post tomorrow...

Being Human

Been feeling a bit flat lately, don't know why. And friendships have been on my mind a lot.

It's funny how people who you thought were friends so quickly become acquaintances and sometimes vice versa.

I'm not a nerd, I'm a geek => I do have some sociable knowledge/skills. But sometimes I wonder if I wear my friendships out sometimes?

So far in my life, it's always me that has to reinforce friendships, me that feels a need to continue them instead of letting them stagnate and become stale. Why?

• Is it normal to have friends who you lose touch with?
• Is it normal to have friends who you know very little about?

Lately I've become wary of wearing out my new friendships, wanting to meet too often, (selfishly?) wanting to be around others for company and to feel alive. Is it wrong that I want to know more about the amazing people around me, to feel like these could be the lasting friendships....friendships that really matter? And that it's not a convenience relationship for the other party as I often wonder about some of my "friendships" and acquaintances.

I know I'm a geek, good with anything technological, good with computers and the like and sometimes I feel like a means to an end for others.

That's how I feel about my little brother sometimes; he only really gets in touch when he needs my help, he doesn't really ask me how I am or how things are going. Which makes me wonder if this is my life - people know I'm good at x so only really get in touch when they know I can help, otherwise they're quite happy in their own bubble without me.

I'm going to stop now as I seem to be having lots of questions and doubts in my mind. gggrrr

Wise Words

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Martin Luther King, Jr.