My kidneys are killing me but....

Had a fair few nice times recently, thanks to Chantelle and Charlene. It's nice to find people on a similar level to hang around with. I have so much love and respect for you both.

What is nice is to be around people like me, we all have our problems but it doesn't matter, I feel more relaxed because we all know each other's battles. Oh, and we have fun, which is seriously lacking unless Ollie is around as I don't feel like a fun person when I'm on my own...it's usually a "me against the world (and the world is winning)" feeling.

So yes, my kidney's are killing me [Just checked my blog cos my memory is really crap sometimes and if I hadn't blogged it I wouldn't be able to remember], but I'm getting some horrible pain in my left kidney which I though was where the stones were...wrong! that's where the cyst is :(

Yesterday I was pretty much comatosed from the amount of painkillers I had in my system, and I've already had 3 this morning (I think).

I've got Ollie tomorrow, just hope I can survive the train journey to pick him up. As soon as I move around I get pain and it was odd cos the other night we were drinking and I had no pain whatsoever until I started walking home, it was so bad I didn't stop at McDonalds (it's a ritual after a night out to get a savers burger and fries and a mcflurry).

I need to hunt down the letter from the hospital.

How was I supposed to know we had a cap on the BT connection

Dear Mum,

I'm sorry I exceeded the bandwidth on the net connection within 5 days of connecting to BT. The cap was 10Gb per month, but I'm not sure I've downloaded that much. And anyway, I didn't think anyone enforced caps anymore. Wish you'd have told me there was a cap and not just sung the praises of it being 'cheap'. Damn you small print.

....

So now she's not happy with my computer usage, or my electrical usage either. And my dad wants me to move my computer into the bedroom cos he thinks he can just decorate the attic if my computer isn't here - I don't think he's seen how much other stuff is up here...this is causing me some stress as I don't deal too well with change at the moment, or (come to think of it) some people telling me how I should live or cope or whatever.

Today I even contemplated looking at council houses, but then got scared because of the change and the outgoings compared to my incomings.

Back to my version of "normality"

Settled back into my 'normality' after a week with Ollie. :(

We had some good times and a fair few arguments - not big stuff, just clashes over certain things.

We spent most of the time playing on the computer; I got FIFA11 for the pc and another xbox controller so that we could play against each other - still didn't manage to wean him off a certain MMO though!

He was very cuddly at bedtimes too, and there was a few mornings where he got up at human times instead of silly o'clock in the morning, which was nice.

I haven't got him now till a week on Thursday so I'm feeling a bit lonely again and in need of some company. My parents, bless 'em, don't provide that, everything they're good at, but my mental health (to them) is something I need to 'snap out of'. It's funny cos sometimes it feels like they understand and then other times they're back to the 'you need to get out more' or 'take vitamins' as if they will magickally cure me.

And I seem to have developed a nasty chesty cough/infection since Ollie left, so I'm back to not sleeping properly at night again. Yesterday I went for a walk down town - I'm not sure why, but more often than not when I'm around lots of people I get the worst headaches ever. So today I stayed in and just coughed all day :(

Still wishing I could be in a relationship (stupid? I know)

[I'm sure the meds make my libido flit from one extreme to the other]

On a sidenote I've hardly played WoW this week - though I have become slightly addicted to some games on facebook (that's the reason why I hated fb ages ago!!)

Woe is life!!

Not a good start to the week

Went to the doctor's for my appointment. Ollie stayed at home and did some gardening with Grandad.

It turns out I've got 2 small stones in my right kidney and a small cyst in my left kidney. But my kidney's are still functioning okay, so it can't be all bad.

Need to get in touch with Urology to see what the next step is, and possibly get my doctor to intervene because she doesn't agree with some of their methods!!

Got some more stronger co-codamol and need to cut down the caffeine intake :(

Ollie's been a bit of a handful all day...well, testing me a lot. So, tomorrow I need to take him away from the house so that he can see that I'm the boss, not him! (little terror sometimes).

I seem to have caught a very chesty cough - I thought it was hayfever, but I don't think hayfever makes you cough up gunk?

Just catching up with CityVille while hopefully my little monkey is asleep

FML, forever alone, and all them other things

I never seem to have any luck with women, well not recently anyway.

I should've learned by now that when they say "You're lovely, but" that they're not interested and it's time to make my escape, but I don't. It makes me feel like I need to justify myself, so I try, and make a mess of things.

So then my self-esteem takes a massive knock, to the point where I quite literally hate my self and nothing makes sense. Least of all the other sex!

I just wish I could cope with being knocked back, but I can't at the moment because it makes me feel crap and amplifies the depressive thoughts.

Why do I hate myself so much when I've inadvertently made someone else feel insecure because I may have come on too strong. Is it me, depression, or something I'm not aware of yet.

This isn't 'emo', this is Real Life™

I'm a bit scared to go to bed now, because the negative thoughts are already eating away at me and I tend to think way too much away from the computer.

ho hum

Arrrgggghhhhh, damn damn damn damn damn...

Typical, bloody typical :(

Missed both appointments today. The first one, ok, fair enough, the thought of it stressed me out way too much. But I actually wanted to go to the second one :(

I was doing so well, then at 11am my head started pounding really bad so I thought I'll have a lie down instead of taking more codeine (cos I think I may be addicted to it again). Bad idea. Just woke up at 2:15pm. So now I have an appointment on Monday at 9:20, at least I'll be up cos I have Ollie.

hmmm, maybe this could work to my advantage....need to work it into some kind of routine on Monday so that we're not on the computer all day...

Why does everything have to be measured?

Why, as humans, do we have a need to measure everything.

At the end of the day, does it really matter?

I consider myself to be healthy in that I make sure my body gets what it needs to survive. Now, I admit I haven't been eating 'properly' for quite a while now - [depression]. I haven't a clue what I weigh, I leave that to hospitals and doctor's. I don't have a need to measure it if i feel ok.

I'm curious as to how BMI measures anything. My bones are osteoporatic which basically means they're not as dense as someone of equal age. So, I imagine my BMI would be on the low side because of this?

I'm 40 this year :( but I still feel like I'm in my mid 20s. Why does age have to mean something? I'm yet to meet a woman my age who can hold my attention spiritually, mentally, and physically. Is it so wrong if I fancy women younger? Why does age hold so much stigma for some?

I'm 5ft8/9 which used to be the national average height. Why does it matter when I go for hospital/doctor appointments, or even when applying for some jobs?

I'm a Pagan, and there's still people who don't understand what it is or what it means. It's an earth-based belief system that also is matriarchal - the main God is female.

We're all different. Shapes, sizes, ages, colours, beliefs, etc.

Can we just stop measuring each other by all these metrics and be happy with the diversity of each other?

Happy Monday?

Feeling a bit lost at the moment, or in limbo I'm not sure.

Must remember not to pick Ollie up on Friday cos his mum's bringing him over on Sunday so that we can spend Sunday to Sunday together - Easter holidays. I feel the need to come up with some stuff we can do that doesn't revolve around the computer! It's nice that he recognises that that's what I'm good at it, just bloody annoying sometimes when I can't even drag him away from it!!

Got a hospital appointment on Thursday at 9am which I may have to cancel cos I don't do 9am - it takes me a good few hours to come round. Plus I'm pretty certain they want me to undergo a cystoscopy and my body's still getting over the last one (which was 11 years ago!) - and back then they never found anything wrong with my kidney's or bladder.

Then I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon which I am going to. I need to find out if all the blood she took showed anything wrong, plus it's nice to chat to her about my mood...I am thinking about requesting to see the surgery's CBT worker given that I can't get in touch with mine as she only works one day and no one seems to pass messages on...but I'm sure she said she works at my surgery too.

I am a bit daunted by the prospect of going to my doctor's cos they've recently had some building work done and the layout has changed. It's the NHS walk-in centre on Broad Lane, but from the letter I got it sounds like us registered patients have a separate waiting room to the walk-in patients.

It's that whole anxiety thing of not feeling safe in 'new' places - needing to know where the exit's are, where the toilets are (if it's a pub or coffee shop), that kind of thing.

Another week done and dusted

As weeks go, this was possibly my most productive in a long time!

I managed to open a letter instead of putting it on the pile of unopened letters; did I mention I have this thing about opening letters that look like bad news :(

I am no longer on bail, just got a caution, no court appearance. Yay!

I saw Ollie for a bit on Wednesday, it was his parents thing so he got to show me how good he's doing at school. Still can't believe that in September he wasn't doing cursive (we used to call it joined up writing!) and now he is, and his style is really good - not messy at all.

Went out last night, for the first time possibly since xmas. Saw a mate's missus' band. It was nice to be out, but I felt really nervous the whole time; nervously checking the people around me all the time :(

Made an appointment to see the doc next week.

Although I do have a hospital appointment that I don't want to go to - sick of intrusive tests that I know won't yield any results (had it before and it caused more trouble for me).

I'm taking Ollie to see Hop tomorrow - I want to see it (of course!), and I think he'll like it too cos it's by the same people who did 'Despicable Me' and 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. Plus I don't want another wasted Saturday playing games on the computer.

If I could just master having more than one meal a day, that would be a big step: it's the whole self-respect thing - I don't see myself as fanciable or that I have a chance of getting a girlfriend so certain things that 'normal' people do just seem to be demoted in my mind. Like it's me against the world again.

But the world is still winning.