Just a little update (long overdue maybe?!)

I know I haven't been on here in quite a while :(
Been spending a bit more time on twitter these days and trying to do a bit more positive stuff (by all means if you're on twitter you can find me at @fronbow).

Also been trying to get back into web development, slowly! Did my bro's website and still tweaking it, then decided to re-start my own website so I've been messing with that lol.
http://www.fronbow.co.uk

It's a WordPress blog as I wanted to test how it works and that! Though coming back here to find google've changed the UI - is it a coincidence that it feels a bit like a WP setup?!

I'm still debating whether to export my ramblings from here to there.

Other than that, still depressed - even more so cos it's my birthday on friday :(
Though I am getting a new phone cos my current one is dying rapidly - it's not holding any charge (even with a spare battery).

Hope you're all ok or as ok as can be, and if you want any web help I'm around as usual!

Martin
x

Feeling a lot washed out

It's been a while since I last posted, not really been in the mood for doing much. Although I have been trying to get out more.
My mood generally feels like it's a bit erratic at the moment which I'm putting down to the tablets? On the citalopram at least I can tell now that I was kind of coasting, I think that's a good thing, though I'm not sure.
In fact, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, it's been that long now since I was "normal" for want of a better word.

Still having thoughts about what it must be like to be in a relationship, to have someone to share things with. But then would I or they be able to cope with this "strangeness" that is depression, let alone anxiety.

Met up with some pretty awesome Sheffielders lately which is always nice; hopefully it'll open my social circles a bit so that I'm less scared/anxious about going to places where anxiety usually stops me. I keep remembering how I used to "just go out" and inevitably bump into people, how different it is now :(

I think I'm a bit more organised now; got my phone calendar syncing with my Google Calendar so in theory I shouldn't miss appointments. Though I did miss one, but that was down to having a bad migraine and crashing out.

Still trying to find my creative side. Been trying to get my camera out more, but I seem to have lost the urge to play in 3D which is just a bit annoying - there's quite a few ideas I want to play out, but as soon as I fire up the software I forget how to use it and what to do :(

Feeling a bit old from the walking too, I seem to have developed a very tired, achy knee and ankle.

Judging from the above I guess I'm thinking a bit fragmented too, or maybe it's just that it feels ages since I posted anything of consequence. Hmmmm.

Oh, and finally got an appointment through for Urology so I might be able to stop being addicted to Codeine for the random kidney pains; and they might be able to help me get rid of the stones and the cyst. Yay!

ickle update

Hey all

Not really been myself these last few weeks which I'm putting down to the tablets. My mood seems to be all over the place a lot of the time, and my motivation is a bit hit n miss.

I'll get back on form soon hopefully, fingers crossed.

Boots (the chemist) left me in disbelief recently

I've grown quite partial to their meal deals and their duck in hoisin wrap, but as I made my way to the till I saw it.

All the 'trash' mags were where you queue up, so you're bombarded by all these magazines telling you to diet (and not just women's mags, there was a few men's mags there too). Then, if you survive that onslaught and are waiting for the till number to be called, you get bombarded by sweet things (chocolate and such).

If I'd have had more time I would have tried to speak to the floor manager just to find out why they've set it up like that.

But if anyone is passing Boots on Fargate/High St in Sheffield then

1. be wary if you want to purchase anything at the main tills
2. see if you can find out any good reason for it

I would've expected better of Boots
:(

Playing catchup

Hey all

I've been meaning to post all week but the days seem to have all merged into one :(
I'm now 2 weeks in to taking Sertraline and they don't seem to have made any difference, though I am getting different side-effects to the citalopram. Spent a few hours yesterday afternoon in the garden with my dad which was nice for us both - he's been more understanding lately.

Had some nice conversations on twitter -- I've been there quite a lot lately, in fact I seem to have made some nice 'friends' from Sheffield. They organise a pub crawl once a month called #cocktailcrawl which I said I would attend (BIG test for anxiety!). I've also been chatting with a fair few sheffield creatives/geeks which has opened up some possible social interactions.

So, despite feeling like I've spent far to much on the computer this week, it could have been my most productive week yet - we shall see!

Just getting ready to pick Ollie up

Hope you are all well and smiley :)

martin xx

A very small step

Not been up to much lately other than trying to cope with the reduction in tablets - which isn't going so well as I just seem to be sleeping all the time.

One thing which I did accomplish though is I overcame anxiety and managed to go somewhere without having to meet anyone outside. I amazed myself! Although it did help that I was knackered and needed a sit down and a drink! It also helped that I vaguely knew someone who was there.

That was on Sunday night, and I've pretty much slept since then :(

Although tonight I realised I've lost part of a back tooth so that needs sorting before I resort to stupid/drastic measures like last time - I pulled out one of my own teeth cos I was in that much pain :(

Must. Do. Something.

After the emotion of yesterday, and the amount of shutting off from the world I did :( I think I need some serious help before I ruin everything around me, including me.

Had really bad dreams last night, to the point where again I was disorientated when I got up and had to check my arm to make sure it wasn't real :(

Just trying not to waste my morning catching up on all the silly facebook games, while feeling really anxious about phoning the doctor to see if I can see my nice doctor today and admitting I feel like I'm losing it all over again.

On a separate note, where did the sun go? Feeling a bit cold today.

I seem to be Invisible again.

I'm pretty sure I've turned invisible again. Was in maplin's having a teeny tiny bit of retail therapy (bought a usb tv stick so I don't have to rely on the internet for citv when Ollie's here!). I was stood in the queue for a good 10mins and it felt like everyone else was getting served and not me.

Then this asian bloke jumped the queue but luckily the lad on the till saw me.

Other than that, I don't think anyone in town saw me, I was just drifting.

On a side note, I don't think I'm coping with the reduced dose of anti-depressants, my mood has seriously shifted along with my sleep pattern. I was wide awake till 5am this morning, then got up around 10am. Just hoping the walk into town has tired me out so I might get to bed at a more human time tonight cos I don't fancy being nocturnal again, especially when I can't smoke.

Waiting. Forever waiting.

In the doctor's (walk-in) waiting for as long as it takes to see a doctor. Just hope i'm not here when it gets dark (they're open while 10pm). I really need some help, don't think I can carry on being me otherwise.

Bad naps :(

So after the last post, I crashed out and woke up at 8:41. I wasn't sure what time of day it was (morning or night) and again I was disorientated. It's 1:03am and I'm wondering if the reduced dose of meds is already impacting on me? I hope not too much as I don't think they're helping that much lately.

Still feel despondent, lethargic, and drained...I wish you could buy happiness in a bottle or jar, I feel like I need a giant dose just to remember what it's like.

That's the thing with depression (or mine at least), my mood is similar to a flatline and only ever seems to go down. Sometimes it goes up but only briefly, never for more than a few hours.

It's odd but I feel like I've got pins n needles all over.

Why is there so many hurdles to get over

I'm sat here trying to resist having an afternoon nap because I'm just tired of everything, tired of fighting (for the moment), just tired.

Why is it when I feel like I'm getting some things sorted, it just takes the tiniest thing to put me back. I had so many things I wanted to do before I'm 40, but now I'll just be thankful if I'm still functioning.

Maybe it's just the Monday blues, who knows, I just feel really emotional and wish I could cry instead of sleep but for some reason my body doesn't want to cry a lately, and I wish I knew why.

I've got so many things I want to do, and some that I need (must?) to do but no energy to jump the hurdles.

Surely it can't be the reduced dosage of medication taking effect already

Back from the doctor's

So it was worth the wait, and the wait was bloody annoying for the first 2 hours. Couple of toddlers testing their mum's, and said mum's were shouting (or speaking so loud - it was hard to tell) instead of trying to engage with their kids.

Anyway I digress, turns out my CBT worker woman sent a message to my doctor to let her know that CBT wasn't working for me so I should try some voluntary work or workshops. Now, voluntary work doesn't appeal at all, if anything I think it would make me hate people even more, though I suppose it would depend on what kind of work it was. Workshops appeal to me more, though it sounds like some of them involve some kind role play in front of people - and I still have bad memories about doing that in Uni, in front of friends lol.

We're also changing my medication. I'm moving from 40mg Citalopram to something else beginning with C - I was concentrating more on how I need to reduce my dosage by 10mg per week so that I can start on the new ones which start at 25mg and go up to 100mg.

I also learned that Venlafaxine (I used to be on these) can't be prescribed without a psychiatric referral - my old doctor just prescribed them without that....bad doctor!

And also that they shouldn't prescribe a higher dosage of Citalopram without a psychiatric referral either - I seem to remember hearing this before that 40mg was the most they could prescribe and 60+mg was only prescribed if you were under psychiatric supervision or somesuch.

So the next few weeks looks interesting, just hope I don't get any lower than I am really, though as always my doctor did say to go back if I felt worse.

I do like my doctor's, they're good cos they're the first surgery I've been at that actually care, and they explain why they do what they do. Not to mention it's open 8am - 10pm every day, 365 days a year (I thought they closed for xmas). It's a walk-in centre too, so if you can't wait for an appointment you can always wait as a walk-in patient.

I also need to be re-referred back to the hospital about my kidney's. Originally it was my right kidney that was giving me all the pain, but recently it's my left one (where the cyst is). My doc thinks it could be inflamed so to keep taking the codeine until the hospital get back in touch.

So, now, while I'm waiting for workshops to happen, I need to try and regain/re-learn some social skills - anyone fancy helping?!!

Puzzled by people (pt.2)

I've been fighting the need to nap since this post, and I think my body wants to sleep instead of dealing with the emotions. I want to cry so much, but I can't and I don't know why I can't.

Normal service will be resumed shortly

fml atm

Puzzled by people

Love is the answer.

I'm pretty good at puzzles but puzzled by people
And I don't trouble trouble and trouble don't trouble me.
Stare at the paper, fold it in two
Facing the walls are the soles of my shoes.

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

We never had a crossword
My words got lost and you never heard
I'm 2 down you're one across the room
Beginning with I and ending in U
Beginning in my eye and ending as an X
Leaves a bad taste in my mouth
To think of you again like the bad taste leaking from the ink in my pen
Doodle at the side as I do to in life
Choosing to lose time instead of doing what I like
Starts off black and white and lacking in life
Until pen in blue lends it a hue.

Puzzled by people
Loving isn't easy
You can't google the solutions to people's feelings

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

Chewing on the pen
2 down again
Not enough letters for the clue in my head
Lost in thought, never been there before
With the turn of a pun on the tip of my tongue
The freshest memory will fail to recall
As well as the messiest, faded scrawl

I'm puzzled by people
Loving isn't easy
You can't google the solutions to people's feelings

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

Love is the answer.

I'm puzzled by people
Loving isn't easy
You can't google the solutions to people's feelings

Sometimes you have to find out for yourself.
Sometimes you need to be told.
Sometimes you never find the answer.
So the story goes.

Love is the answer.

A different start to my blog today.

This song+lyrics pretty much are where I'm at today, and possibly for a while I'm not sure.

You see, I don't see myself as socially inept, but I'm having major troubles reading people at the moment. Is it me or my state of mind, or the complete lack of social interaction I've suffered since losing my job?

Had a really nice drink with Chantelle last night and well, some things she said in a friendly way I mistook for something else. my bad :(

It's like sometimes I don't know if people are being my friend because they value me as a friend or feel sorry for me. It's really wierd being inside me and looking out, always wary about what's going on around me, how people are around me.

Maybe I should just rent a cave in the Peaks and become a hermit when Ollie isn't around. I don't think I'm too bad when Ollie is around because he does make me feel alive and happy (when he's not being mr grumpy, which makes me sad)

For all the insights depression has given me into my emotions, I wonder whether it's stripped me what I knew about people so that I have to somehow start to learn again.

I just feel so emotionally tired and want to give up. I've hardly been awake today, this is how my body (or brain) copes with it - it shuts off, sometimes quite literally.

I wish I could google the answers or find some help or something.

I wanted to write more, but even just thinking about the words are emotionally tiring me out. Is it just me or do others with anxiety and/or depression go through this. Might have to have a nap to get rid of this feeling :(

Waking up confused!

So last night I had 4 hours sleep, but I think it was very deep sleep (which makes a change!) as I woke up somewhat confused. So confused that I forgot how much sugar I put in my morning coffee, then went out for a fag but locked the door behind me and couldn't understand why the door was locked when I tried to get back in the house *doh* *lol*

It was a very vivid dream (or was it a nightmare, I don't know). And it seems to be recurring which makes me wonder whether my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

My dream consists of being with someone who I love and care about, but she doesn't have a face. We're laid in a field on a hot summer's day, just chatting and holding hands while staring at the clouds. And for that briefest of moments, a part of my life seems sorted.

I don't know, maybe it's because Charlene seems so happy now that she's got a love interest, or maybe it is a part of my psyche/subconscious telling me that if that was me then at least that would be a third of my depression that I didn't have to worry about.

You see, way back when this all started (depression), I felt like my whole life had fallen apart; my love life was in ruin, I hated my job/career path, and my health was failing me - my mental health worker at the time said I was unique because usually people suffering from depression only have one thing that makes them fall apart so it's easier to get them to conquer it. Not me, no, I had to be bloody different!

I wish I could calm the noise in my head so I could meditate and ask my subconscious (my self) if it's trying to send me a message!!

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world"

Just thought I'd share this quote, I don't know who it's attributed to as it was just posted by one of the pagan groups I follow on facebook.

A meeting of minds

Just another one of them random thoughts I'd like to release.

I am quite humbled to be in a small community (my dear followers and friends) of like minded individuals who all share the commonality of having been touched by mental "disorder". I was just thinking whether it would be good or bad to be able to collaborate as it seems the majority of medical help doesn't seem to do the job?

I know from my own thought sharing and reading your lovely comments, and also reading your amazing blogs that we do seem to be helping each other in a kind of fragmented way.

Would a closed blog or facebook group be a good idea to share our life experiences aside from our blogs be a worthy idea. I'm not thinking to replace our blogs, but more a place to offer each other help and support from our own respective experiences?

Just a thought

xXx

A bit about me

Thought I'd post some snippets (may turn out to be more!) of information about me. I'm not sure why, other than feeling the need to share some of my soul with you.

I was born in the year of decimalisation, so I'm 1971 years younger than the current year (thanks Mike Skinner for that line!).

At school I was one of the few kids who didn't have a specific job in mind so I took gcse's that I liked (mostly arty stuff!!). Oh, and I was in the first year of gcse's and they were bloody hard then.

Surprisingly I don't have many of the views and values of my family; I formed my own opinion of the world around me at an early age, suffice to say I don't have any racist or small-minded-ness that my family seem to suffer from.

When I was 15 I got beat up and still have a fairly big scar on my thigh to remind me - I also have the mental scar of being scared?afraid of large groups of people if I'm alone. (There wasn't any reason why I got beat up, just in the wrong place at the wrong time)

Up until the age of 21 I had a strawberry birthmark on the back of my head. I was forced or coerced into having it removed by my doctor, my family, and my girlfriend at the time. I had plastic surgery to remove it, and still have a scar that's visible when my hair is short.

At some point between 21 and 22 my girlfriend at the time started cheating on me with my manager which really messed me up. When we split up I didn't know who I was anymore so ended up self-harming. Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, I used a scalpel to carve pictures in my arms. This was ongoing for a while, and got to the point where I didn't trust myself to be around sharp pointy things. Then one day I was in a book shop and a book called out to me. The Power of the Witch by Laurie Cabot.

I read this book many times and I truly believe it found me because I needed it. That's when I realised I was a Pagan and why the Christian teachings never made much sense to me.

I lost my job, which was a blessing as it forced me to rethink my path. So I took time out from work-life and went back to college. I did a year at college and met some amazing people before going on to University to do Software Engineering; where again I met some amazing people. Although sadly, there's only one real friend who stays in contact now, the rest are either acquaintances or further away than that.

The thing about going to University is that they don't prepare you for going (back) out into industry when you've finished, which often makes me wonder whether my depression started back then. (I graduated in 2000). I know a few others from my year that have been battling with depression as well.

In 2004 Ollie was born, or to give him his full name, Oliver Jake Rainbow Frost.

I think he's destined for great things because his birthdate is 8/2/4 which screams of magick to me!

In 2008 my world fell apart. I wasn't happy with my lovelife, my worklife, or anything for that matter other than Ollie. My ex- spent 2 weeks emotionally and mentally abusing me; nothing I did was good enough for her. I couldn't cope with anything and was diagnosed with depression.

And then not long after this, anxiety clouded my life too.

At some point I moved out of the family home and into a rented house. I managed to "survive" for between 6 and 9 months before the debts got the better of me and had to move back home. Other things happened while I was in that house, and it all feels a bit surreal now.

On 17th September 2010 I was dismissed from my job as a Web Developer at Sheffield Hallam University due to my mental health. I fought the dismissal up until December when I just lost all motivation to carry on.

I'm still living at my mum n dad's, in a kind of limbo while I try and sort my life out slowly.

I pick Ollie up from school on a Friday and his mum picks him up Saturday teatime, that's my routine (other than taking the various medicines).

Recently I've been wondering if computery things is the right career path for me, or has depression opened up some new insights...I'll ponder on this and maybe post tomorrow...

Being Human

Been feeling a bit flat lately, don't know why. And friendships have been on my mind a lot.

It's funny how people who you thought were friends so quickly become acquaintances and sometimes vice versa.

I'm not a nerd, I'm a geek => I do have some sociable knowledge/skills. But sometimes I wonder if I wear my friendships out sometimes?

So far in my life, it's always me that has to reinforce friendships, me that feels a need to continue them instead of letting them stagnate and become stale. Why?

• Is it normal to have friends who you lose touch with?
• Is it normal to have friends who you know very little about?

Lately I've become wary of wearing out my new friendships, wanting to meet too often, (selfishly?) wanting to be around others for company and to feel alive. Is it wrong that I want to know more about the amazing people around me, to feel like these could be the lasting friendships....friendships that really matter? And that it's not a convenience relationship for the other party as I often wonder about some of my "friendships" and acquaintances.

I know I'm a geek, good with anything technological, good with computers and the like and sometimes I feel like a means to an end for others.

That's how I feel about my little brother sometimes; he only really gets in touch when he needs my help, he doesn't really ask me how I am or how things are going. Which makes me wonder if this is my life - people know I'm good at x so only really get in touch when they know I can help, otherwise they're quite happy in their own bubble without me.

I'm going to stop now as I seem to be having lots of questions and doubts in my mind. gggrrr

Wise Words

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

My kidneys are killing me but....

Had a fair few nice times recently, thanks to Chantelle and Charlene. It's nice to find people on a similar level to hang around with. I have so much love and respect for you both.

What is nice is to be around people like me, we all have our problems but it doesn't matter, I feel more relaxed because we all know each other's battles. Oh, and we have fun, which is seriously lacking unless Ollie is around as I don't feel like a fun person when I'm on my own...it's usually a "me against the world (and the world is winning)" feeling.

So yes, my kidney's are killing me [Just checked my blog cos my memory is really crap sometimes and if I hadn't blogged it I wouldn't be able to remember], but I'm getting some horrible pain in my left kidney which I though was where the stones were...wrong! that's where the cyst is :(

Yesterday I was pretty much comatosed from the amount of painkillers I had in my system, and I've already had 3 this morning (I think).

I've got Ollie tomorrow, just hope I can survive the train journey to pick him up. As soon as I move around I get pain and it was odd cos the other night we were drinking and I had no pain whatsoever until I started walking home, it was so bad I didn't stop at McDonalds (it's a ritual after a night out to get a savers burger and fries and a mcflurry).

I need to hunt down the letter from the hospital.

How was I supposed to know we had a cap on the BT connection

Dear Mum,

I'm sorry I exceeded the bandwidth on the net connection within 5 days of connecting to BT. The cap was 10Gb per month, but I'm not sure I've downloaded that much. And anyway, I didn't think anyone enforced caps anymore. Wish you'd have told me there was a cap and not just sung the praises of it being 'cheap'. Damn you small print.

....

So now she's not happy with my computer usage, or my electrical usage either. And my dad wants me to move my computer into the bedroom cos he thinks he can just decorate the attic if my computer isn't here - I don't think he's seen how much other stuff is up here...this is causing me some stress as I don't deal too well with change at the moment, or (come to think of it) some people telling me how I should live or cope or whatever.

Today I even contemplated looking at council houses, but then got scared because of the change and the outgoings compared to my incomings.

Back to my version of "normality"

Settled back into my 'normality' after a week with Ollie. :(

We had some good times and a fair few arguments - not big stuff, just clashes over certain things.

We spent most of the time playing on the computer; I got FIFA11 for the pc and another xbox controller so that we could play against each other - still didn't manage to wean him off a certain MMO though!

He was very cuddly at bedtimes too, and there was a few mornings where he got up at human times instead of silly o'clock in the morning, which was nice.

I haven't got him now till a week on Thursday so I'm feeling a bit lonely again and in need of some company. My parents, bless 'em, don't provide that, everything they're good at, but my mental health (to them) is something I need to 'snap out of'. It's funny cos sometimes it feels like they understand and then other times they're back to the 'you need to get out more' or 'take vitamins' as if they will magickally cure me.

And I seem to have developed a nasty chesty cough/infection since Ollie left, so I'm back to not sleeping properly at night again. Yesterday I went for a walk down town - I'm not sure why, but more often than not when I'm around lots of people I get the worst headaches ever. So today I stayed in and just coughed all day :(

Still wishing I could be in a relationship (stupid? I know)

[I'm sure the meds make my libido flit from one extreme to the other]

On a sidenote I've hardly played WoW this week - though I have become slightly addicted to some games on facebook (that's the reason why I hated fb ages ago!!)

Woe is life!!

Not a good start to the week

Went to the doctor's for my appointment. Ollie stayed at home and did some gardening with Grandad.

It turns out I've got 2 small stones in my right kidney and a small cyst in my left kidney. But my kidney's are still functioning okay, so it can't be all bad.

Need to get in touch with Urology to see what the next step is, and possibly get my doctor to intervene because she doesn't agree with some of their methods!!

Got some more stronger co-codamol and need to cut down the caffeine intake :(

Ollie's been a bit of a handful all day...well, testing me a lot. So, tomorrow I need to take him away from the house so that he can see that I'm the boss, not him! (little terror sometimes).

I seem to have caught a very chesty cough - I thought it was hayfever, but I don't think hayfever makes you cough up gunk?

Just catching up with CityVille while hopefully my little monkey is asleep

FML, forever alone, and all them other things

I never seem to have any luck with women, well not recently anyway.

I should've learned by now that when they say "You're lovely, but" that they're not interested and it's time to make my escape, but I don't. It makes me feel like I need to justify myself, so I try, and make a mess of things.

So then my self-esteem takes a massive knock, to the point where I quite literally hate my self and nothing makes sense. Least of all the other sex!

I just wish I could cope with being knocked back, but I can't at the moment because it makes me feel crap and amplifies the depressive thoughts.

Why do I hate myself so much when I've inadvertently made someone else feel insecure because I may have come on too strong. Is it me, depression, or something I'm not aware of yet.

This isn't 'emo', this is Real Life™

I'm a bit scared to go to bed now, because the negative thoughts are already eating away at me and I tend to think way too much away from the computer.

ho hum

Arrrgggghhhhh, damn damn damn damn damn...

Typical, bloody typical :(

Missed both appointments today. The first one, ok, fair enough, the thought of it stressed me out way too much. But I actually wanted to go to the second one :(

I was doing so well, then at 11am my head started pounding really bad so I thought I'll have a lie down instead of taking more codeine (cos I think I may be addicted to it again). Bad idea. Just woke up at 2:15pm. So now I have an appointment on Monday at 9:20, at least I'll be up cos I have Ollie.

hmmm, maybe this could work to my advantage....need to work it into some kind of routine on Monday so that we're not on the computer all day...

Why does everything have to be measured?

Why, as humans, do we have a need to measure everything.

At the end of the day, does it really matter?

I consider myself to be healthy in that I make sure my body gets what it needs to survive. Now, I admit I haven't been eating 'properly' for quite a while now - [depression]. I haven't a clue what I weigh, I leave that to hospitals and doctor's. I don't have a need to measure it if i feel ok.

I'm curious as to how BMI measures anything. My bones are osteoporatic which basically means they're not as dense as someone of equal age. So, I imagine my BMI would be on the low side because of this?

I'm 40 this year :( but I still feel like I'm in my mid 20s. Why does age have to mean something? I'm yet to meet a woman my age who can hold my attention spiritually, mentally, and physically. Is it so wrong if I fancy women younger? Why does age hold so much stigma for some?

I'm 5ft8/9 which used to be the national average height. Why does it matter when I go for hospital/doctor appointments, or even when applying for some jobs?

I'm a Pagan, and there's still people who don't understand what it is or what it means. It's an earth-based belief system that also is matriarchal - the main God is female.

We're all different. Shapes, sizes, ages, colours, beliefs, etc.

Can we just stop measuring each other by all these metrics and be happy with the diversity of each other?

Happy Monday?

Feeling a bit lost at the moment, or in limbo I'm not sure.

Must remember not to pick Ollie up on Friday cos his mum's bringing him over on Sunday so that we can spend Sunday to Sunday together - Easter holidays. I feel the need to come up with some stuff we can do that doesn't revolve around the computer! It's nice that he recognises that that's what I'm good at it, just bloody annoying sometimes when I can't even drag him away from it!!

Got a hospital appointment on Thursday at 9am which I may have to cancel cos I don't do 9am - it takes me a good few hours to come round. Plus I'm pretty certain they want me to undergo a cystoscopy and my body's still getting over the last one (which was 11 years ago!) - and back then they never found anything wrong with my kidney's or bladder.

Then I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon which I am going to. I need to find out if all the blood she took showed anything wrong, plus it's nice to chat to her about my mood...I am thinking about requesting to see the surgery's CBT worker given that I can't get in touch with mine as she only works one day and no one seems to pass messages on...but I'm sure she said she works at my surgery too.

I am a bit daunted by the prospect of going to my doctor's cos they've recently had some building work done and the layout has changed. It's the NHS walk-in centre on Broad Lane, but from the letter I got it sounds like us registered patients have a separate waiting room to the walk-in patients.

It's that whole anxiety thing of not feeling safe in 'new' places - needing to know where the exit's are, where the toilets are (if it's a pub or coffee shop), that kind of thing.

Another week done and dusted

As weeks go, this was possibly my most productive in a long time!

I managed to open a letter instead of putting it on the pile of unopened letters; did I mention I have this thing about opening letters that look like bad news :(

I am no longer on bail, just got a caution, no court appearance. Yay!

I saw Ollie for a bit on Wednesday, it was his parents thing so he got to show me how good he's doing at school. Still can't believe that in September he wasn't doing cursive (we used to call it joined up writing!) and now he is, and his style is really good - not messy at all.

Went out last night, for the first time possibly since xmas. Saw a mate's missus' band. It was nice to be out, but I felt really nervous the whole time; nervously checking the people around me all the time :(

Made an appointment to see the doc next week.

Although I do have a hospital appointment that I don't want to go to - sick of intrusive tests that I know won't yield any results (had it before and it caused more trouble for me).

I'm taking Ollie to see Hop tomorrow - I want to see it (of course!), and I think he'll like it too cos it's by the same people who did 'Despicable Me' and 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. Plus I don't want another wasted Saturday playing games on the computer.

If I could just master having more than one meal a day, that would be a big step: it's the whole self-respect thing - I don't see myself as fanciable or that I have a chance of getting a girlfriend so certain things that 'normal' people do just seem to be demoted in my mind. Like it's me against the world again.

But the world is still winning.

Justice is served (I guess)

So I was wrongfully dreading this morning; as I always do. You'd think my brain would have learnt that by now, but no, anxiety and collywobbles get the better of me...still.

Some background information to explain:

A few years ago, when I was locked in heavy battle with anxiety and depression, when my self-esteem was at an all time low (pretty similar to how I have been lately...vicious circle perhaps?), I somehow got wound up doing some bad things because someone made me feel respected, and I was feeding off it to try and help my mood.

Well, part of me knew it was dodgy, but a bigger part of me was enjoying the seemingly good respect I was experiencing. Now, I know it was a bad time for me because I can only remember certain bits - is it normal or just me that obliterates bad memories (I'd say blocked, but that implies I can somehow unblock them!).

So I got embroiled in a spot of money laundering. Then it got heavy when the person who I thought was a friend started threatening me and my family amongst other things. Luckily for me the moral part of me kicked in and I went to the police. That was scary; being interviewed - on tape, having my mugshot, fingerprints, and dna took.

I'm not entirely sure how long ago that was because time is kind of distorted, and has been ever since I was first diagnosed with depression :(

Answering bail had become a part of my routine, and a chance to find out what lies the real criminals had tried to pass off as my doing - they were trying to make out as though it was all my idea. Fools.

Throughout the criminal activity, while gaining what I thought was a self-esteem boost, I also lost a lot of things; mostly monetary stuff that they swindled me out of, but also my trust for other people and a few other issues.

So last night I couldn't sleep as usual, but didn't want to get out of bed this morning (ostrich!!).

Got there in plenty of time, had a fag outside to calm what little nerves needed calming (it never works though), and went in. When the reception woman said I was free to go I think I was in slight shock because I had to question what she meant! Then she said the custody sergeant said I was free to go, no charges. result.

Now, throughout the whole thing, I was straight with the police and they were straight with me. I didn't once think I needed a solicitor because, to me, you tend to need a solicitor if you're hiding some truth, but I was telling the truth. They in turn said that they would tell me if I needed a solicitor, which I thought was a good gesture on their part.

So, I'm free now.

I'm not sure how I feel, obviously I'm happy that it's over and I can forget about the mad nightmares I was having about passing out in court, but I also feel a bit of loss because they had become a part of my life, my routine. And I'm pretty sure it will be a while yet before I get over the anxieties of certain situations or people that remind me of the people involved, but it's time to try and tackle the next problem.

Time ticks on

Had a reasonably productive day today...well I left the house for a few hours....yay!

Went to the doc's but it was really busy (it's also the walk-in centre for Sheffield so it does get rather busy some days!). I made an appointment to say the doc for next week - gives me something I need to do next week.

I opened a letter I'd been dreading opening. Turned out it wasn't bad but had a giro in it. -- at the moment I have this thing where I don't open letters cos I know they're all bad credit demands. Half of me knows this, half of me is all ostrich like (head in the sand hoping it goes away). I need to get up to speed on all my debts though, however it hinders my mood.

Not looking forward to tomorrow, gots to get up dead early to keep an appointment for 9am. Not looking forward to hearing anymore bad stuff but at least then it'll soon be over, just need to get over the anxiety of appearing in court then...still having nightmares about passing out...not good :(

Still overly addicted to CityVille in facebook :( I joined some of the other ~Ville games but keep forgetting about them; nearly bought SimCity in Game today as well, but thought against it due to the amount of time I used to spend playing it!!

BST has messed up my body clock, or is it that my body clock hasn't adjusted yet?!! Been having to force myself to bed most nights lately cos I'm still awake at 3am...starting to get panda eyes/zombiefied eyes again I think.

Starting the week off slowly

Last night I had so many things I wanted to do today but I got up feeling less than positive :(

I tried walking to the doc's but managed to get as far as being able to see town before I headed back home because my thighs are killing me; I assume from the walking on Friday.

At least I left the house and got a bit of fresh air. Now I'm just slowly tidying thru' loads of stuff in the attic, trying to trim the crap down. I've got loads of papery stuffs and cd's all over the place, so it's all going in the bin unless it looks important. The idea is to get it to a point where it can be a separate "living room" for me and Ollie so we can have a proper telly and have somewhere to watch stuff that we like!

I'll be very amazed if it doesn't take too long to sort out; but it's a good project for now.

I want or need a cinema buddy

I'd love a friend to go to the pictures with. Mainly so that we both don't feel out of place - I hate the idea of going on my own. I also tend to go for the animated films more, oh and comedies. I want to see Rango, Hop looks good (out on Friday 1st April), and then there's Captain Jack Sparrow's latest adventure this summer. There's also an english film called 'Killing Bono' that looks like it might be good. Don't know when it's out but I keep catching the adverts on last.fm and youtube.

This n that, that n this

I hope there's more to life than this...I feel like I'm going to be single forever. Sometimes I wonder if I could cope with a relationship, and I think it would maybe help me be less depressed as it wouldn't just be me and my thoughts. I'm sure life would be nicer if I didn't feel so alone a lot of the time.

Sometimes when I've got Ollie and we're having fun, I wish I could have him for the Saturday night too, but then I wonder if I can cope with him for another day and night. Yesterday I had a headache all day till about 2pm this afternoon...all because Ollie didn't stop chattering away from 7am in the morning till about 6pm when his mum came to pick him up. Yesterday he was in a "need to explain everything I do" mode. I'd love one day for him to ask me how to do some maths or something, and not just use my knowledge of games so much!!

Friday was a bit funny, I picked him up from school and as per usual I try to get him to go into town for a bit before we go home - just so I have him to myself for a bit before I have to "share" him with nannan and grandad. I was just asking him if he wanted anything from town or to go get an ice cream, and he asked if I had a vita card. I asked him what he meant, and he said it was a card with vita written in blue, but mummy didn't have one (he wanted a subscription to the online game he plays a lot!). When I realised it was a visa card he meant (after him going thru my wallet lol), I said I would get him one from WHSmiths. (PrePay FTW). So we ended up getting a nice ice cream from the Millenium Gallery cafe before going into Smiths. When we got home, he spent the rest of the night explaining how the game works. Though he wouldn't let me have a turn!!!

I think on Saturday he was worried about me having a headache as he went and got me a coldpack to put on my head, even nagged me when I kept taking it off. Bless him.

I do like how he is a sensitive little boy, and he still loves all his cuddlies.

And now it's Sunday, and all I can think about is how alone I feel. Whether it's the lack of female interest, or the short time I get with my little boy.

It's sometimes quite hard to work out if it's me or if depression somehow amplifies the feelings.

All I do know is that I don't want to be like this forever.

Understanding CityVille

Just something different that got my brain working earlier. CityVille is one of them annoyingly addictive zynga games on facebook, so annoyingly addictive that I've started timing my crops for when I'll remember to check next!

Now, if you want to maximise your profits, at the moment we have a clover patch for 100 coins at our disposal. Before you place a decoration that gives a bonus, it tells you how much bonus you'll get for business profits. So the tactic here is to put it randomly near shops and houses to increase your bonuses. There are other decorations you can use to boost your cash that give varying bonus payouts; this just happens to be cheap and takes up only one square of land.

54321...Boom

Anxiety hit me today. It just shows how long it's been since I've arranged to do something :(

Was meant to go to a mate's house for a BBQ, but was getting ready to go and it hit me. Head pounding, blood boiling, chills+shivers running down my back, and the feeling of my heart heavy in my chest. So instead, I went to the shop (with my hood up - when I feel like this, I have a thing about people seeing me - so I cover up as much of my face as possible) and bought some rizla's and chocolate for later.

I'd took a Propanol before all this happened, hoping it would stop some of the feeling, which it did for all of 5 minutes.

So, yet another night listening to angry music (gangsta rap, horror rap, et al) while vegetating on facebook or one of the many games I seem to have bought since Ollie realised the PC is better for some games than the Wii!

Depression; a curse and a blessing

So, I haven't posted anything for a few days. Not even been keeping up to date with tumblr, twitter, and cityville :( But the thing is, I've still been on the computer, just wasting away on games or reading random stuff.

I need to get out into the fresh air. Went to the park for an hour on Saturday with Ollie - we both managed an hour before collapsing! The walk home highlighted how weak I am at the moment too. Ollie got tired so I offered him a piggy back (he's 7 and weighs somewhere between 3 and 4 stone). I felt like my thighs were going to break and could only manage about 25 yards before I couldn't carry him anymore. I dread to think what I weigh at the moment. I usually weigh between 8 and 9 stone; the most I've ever been is 9.5 stone. It's just my metabolism and smoking probably doesn't help.

So, this is the curse of depression. I don't feel like eating most of the time, either that or the smell of food makes me feel sick. Though I am trying to eat at least 1 meal a day, and my mum n dad are making sure I get a proper meal. Gods only know what I'd be like if I was living on my own :( scary.

My personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired at the moment too, I'm afraid. These are common by-products of depression. For me, I think it's because I don't see my worth, and don't believe I'll ever meet someone to spend a bit of life with.
I nearly got Ollie to shave me on Saturday - it's good to let him do it cos he enjoys it and he's really careful and gentle. His mum thinks I'm mad for it, but I think it's good to give him little responsibility tasks!

The blessing part of depression is feeling more in tune with my emotions, and also feeling more human, more sociable. Even if I don't leave the house at the moment, except when Ollie's around. When I'm with Ollie, it's like I can't be overly depressed or anything because he needs me.

I'm feeling over anxious at the moment too which isn't helping. Just wish I knew why.

I also wish I could get this STORM stainless steel ring off my thumb cos it's getting a bit warm underneath, but it's stainless steel and my thumb knuckle seems to have got bigger. Not one of my better ideas to put it on my thumb - my fingers are too thin so it used to just fall off!

Need to get some positivity and try and take some control of my life again.

Addictive personality...I haz one!

Well, as far as some things go, I have.

I was addicted to Bejewelled Blitz on facebook, then they released Zuma Blitz which is my newest popcap addiction!

Chantelle got me back into Zynga's 'ville games. I don't really care that much for any of them apart from CityVille - reminds me so much of SimCity (which I used to love!)

I'm already thoroughly addicted to World of Warcraft, and I think I'm slowly getting addicted to DC Universe Online :( lol.

Oh and I'm a smoker - though I would love to change this in the right frame of mind.

Routine

Once upon a time, this was my daily routine. A cuppa tea, headache tablets and just the one anti-depressant.
I wish I could go back to that time sometimes; I had my own place, my own independence, a girlfriend, seeing my son more regular than now, and I was on less medication. But I messed up quite badly.

So. Here I am, living with my parents (I know, I'm 39) until such a time when I can afford to live on my own, and look after myself properly. Y'know, the things that most 'normal' people take for granted like proper sleep patterns, eating 3 proper meals a day, bathing regularly. I've lost all this with the 'side-effects' or by-products of depression. Oh to be 'human' again.

Need to release some thoughts!

Okies, I've had this blog knocking around for aeons. Literally! Initially blogs scared me because of my clever knack for not writing tons of words when a few will do just perfectly! But then after seeing what's possible with tumblr, maybe I should get into this again!

Release The Thoughts.....