A very small step

Not been up to much lately other than trying to cope with the reduction in tablets - which isn't going so well as I just seem to be sleeping all the time.

One thing which I did accomplish though is I overcame anxiety and managed to go somewhere without having to meet anyone outside. I amazed myself! Although it did help that I was knackered and needed a sit down and a drink! It also helped that I vaguely knew someone who was there.

That was on Sunday night, and I've pretty much slept since then :(

Although tonight I realised I've lost part of a back tooth so that needs sorting before I resort to stupid/drastic measures like last time - I pulled out one of my own teeth cos I was in that much pain :(

Must. Do. Something.

After the emotion of yesterday, and the amount of shutting off from the world I did :( I think I need some serious help before I ruin everything around me, including me.

Had really bad dreams last night, to the point where again I was disorientated when I got up and had to check my arm to make sure it wasn't real :(

Just trying not to waste my morning catching up on all the silly facebook games, while feeling really anxious about phoning the doctor to see if I can see my nice doctor today and admitting I feel like I'm losing it all over again.

On a separate note, where did the sun go? Feeling a bit cold today.

I seem to be Invisible again.

I'm pretty sure I've turned invisible again. Was in maplin's having a teeny tiny bit of retail therapy (bought a usb tv stick so I don't have to rely on the internet for citv when Ollie's here!). I was stood in the queue for a good 10mins and it felt like everyone else was getting served and not me.

Then this asian bloke jumped the queue but luckily the lad on the till saw me.

Other than that, I don't think anyone in town saw me, I was just drifting.

On a side note, I don't think I'm coping with the reduced dose of anti-depressants, my mood has seriously shifted along with my sleep pattern. I was wide awake till 5am this morning, then got up around 10am. Just hoping the walk into town has tired me out so I might get to bed at a more human time tonight cos I don't fancy being nocturnal again, especially when I can't smoke.

Waiting. Forever waiting.

In the doctor's (walk-in) waiting for as long as it takes to see a doctor. Just hope i'm not here when it gets dark (they're open while 10pm). I really need some help, don't think I can carry on being me otherwise.

Bad naps :(

So after the last post, I crashed out and woke up at 8:41. I wasn't sure what time of day it was (morning or night) and again I was disorientated. It's 1:03am and I'm wondering if the reduced dose of meds is already impacting on me? I hope not too much as I don't think they're helping that much lately.

Still feel despondent, lethargic, and drained...I wish you could buy happiness in a bottle or jar, I feel like I need a giant dose just to remember what it's like.

That's the thing with depression (or mine at least), my mood is similar to a flatline and only ever seems to go down. Sometimes it goes up but only briefly, never for more than a few hours.

It's odd but I feel like I've got pins n needles all over.

Why is there so many hurdles to get over

I'm sat here trying to resist having an afternoon nap because I'm just tired of everything, tired of fighting (for the moment), just tired.

Why is it when I feel like I'm getting some things sorted, it just takes the tiniest thing to put me back. I had so many things I wanted to do before I'm 40, but now I'll just be thankful if I'm still functioning.

Maybe it's just the Monday blues, who knows, I just feel really emotional and wish I could cry instead of sleep but for some reason my body doesn't want to cry a lately, and I wish I knew why.

I've got so many things I want to do, and some that I need (must?) to do but no energy to jump the hurdles.

Surely it can't be the reduced dosage of medication taking effect already

Back from the doctor's

So it was worth the wait, and the wait was bloody annoying for the first 2 hours. Couple of toddlers testing their mum's, and said mum's were shouting (or speaking so loud - it was hard to tell) instead of trying to engage with their kids.

Anyway I digress, turns out my CBT worker woman sent a message to my doctor to let her know that CBT wasn't working for me so I should try some voluntary work or workshops. Now, voluntary work doesn't appeal at all, if anything I think it would make me hate people even more, though I suppose it would depend on what kind of work it was. Workshops appeal to me more, though it sounds like some of them involve some kind role play in front of people - and I still have bad memories about doing that in Uni, in front of friends lol.

We're also changing my medication. I'm moving from 40mg Citalopram to something else beginning with C - I was concentrating more on how I need to reduce my dosage by 10mg per week so that I can start on the new ones which start at 25mg and go up to 100mg.

I also learned that Venlafaxine (I used to be on these) can't be prescribed without a psychiatric referral - my old doctor just prescribed them without that....bad doctor!

And also that they shouldn't prescribe a higher dosage of Citalopram without a psychiatric referral either - I seem to remember hearing this before that 40mg was the most they could prescribe and 60+mg was only prescribed if you were under psychiatric supervision or somesuch.

So the next few weeks looks interesting, just hope I don't get any lower than I am really, though as always my doctor did say to go back if I felt worse.

I do like my doctor's, they're good cos they're the first surgery I've been at that actually care, and they explain why they do what they do. Not to mention it's open 8am - 10pm every day, 365 days a year (I thought they closed for xmas). It's a walk-in centre too, so if you can't wait for an appointment you can always wait as a walk-in patient.

I also need to be re-referred back to the hospital about my kidney's. Originally it was my right kidney that was giving me all the pain, but recently it's my left one (where the cyst is). My doc thinks it could be inflamed so to keep taking the codeine until the hospital get back in touch.

So, now, while I'm waiting for workshops to happen, I need to try and regain/re-learn some social skills - anyone fancy helping?!!