Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Justice is served (I guess)

So I was wrongfully dreading this morning; as I always do. You'd think my brain would have learnt that by now, but no, anxiety and collywobbles get the better of me...still.

Some background information to explain:
A few years ago, when I was locked in heavy battle with anxiety and depression, when my self-esteem was at an all time low (pretty similar to how I have been lately...vicious circle perhaps?), I somehow got wound up doing some bad things because someone made me feel respected, and I was feeding off it to try and help my mood.
Well, part of me knew it was dodgy, but a bigger part of me was enjoying the seemingly good respect I was experiencing. Now, I know it was a bad time for me because I can only remember certain bits - is it normal or just me that obliterates bad memories (I'd say blocked, but that implies I can somehow unblock them!).

So I got embroiled in a spot of money laundering. Then it got heavy when the person who I thought was a friend started threatening me and my family amongst other things. Luckily for me the moral part of me kicked in and I went to the police. That was scary; being interviewed - on tape, having my mugshot, fingerprints, and dna took.
I'm not entirely sure how long ago that was because time is kind of distorted, and has been ever since I was first diagnosed with depression :(

Answering bail had become a part of my routine, and a chance to find out what lies the real criminals had tried to pass off as my doing - they were trying to make out as though it was all my idea. Fools.

Throughout the criminal activity, while gaining what I thought was a self-esteem boost, I also lost a lot of things; mostly monetary stuff that they swindled me out of, but also my trust for other people and a few other issues.

So last night I couldn't sleep as usual, but didn't want to get out of bed this morning (ostrich!!).
Got there in plenty of time, had a fag outside to calm what little nerves needed calming (it never works though), and went in. When the reception woman said I was free to go I think I was in slight shock because I had to question what she meant! Then she said the custody sergeant said I was free to go, no charges. result.

Now, throughout the whole thing, I was straight with the police and they were straight with me. I didn't once think I needed a solicitor because, to me, you tend to need a solicitor if you're hiding some truth, but I was telling the truth. They in turn said that they would tell me if I needed a solicitor, which I thought was a good gesture on their part.

So, I'm free now.
I'm not sure how I feel, obviously I'm happy that it's over and I can forget about the mad nightmares I was having about passing out in court, but I also feel a bit of loss because they had become a part of my life, my routine. And I'm pretty sure it will be a while yet before I get over the anxieties of certain situations or people that remind me of the people involved, but it's time to try and tackle the next problem.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Time ticks on

Had a reasonably productive day today...well I left the house for a few hours....yay!

Went to the doc's but it was really busy (it's also the walk-in centre for Sheffield so it does get rather busy some days!). I made an appointment to say the doc for next week - gives me something I need to do next week.

I opened a letter I'd been dreading opening. Turned out it wasn't bad but had a giro in it. -- at the moment I have this thing where I don't open letters cos I know they're all bad credit demands. Half of me knows this, half of me is all ostrich like (head in the sand hoping it goes away). I need to get up to speed on all my debts though, however it hinders my mood.

Not looking forward to tomorrow, gots to get up dead early to keep an appointment for 9am. Not looking forward to hearing anymore bad stuff but at least then it'll soon be over, just need to get over the anxiety of appearing in court then...still having nightmares about passing out...not good :(

Still overly addicted to CityVille in facebook :( I joined some of the other ~Ville games but keep forgetting about them; nearly bought SimCity in Game today as well, but thought against it due to the amount of time I used to spend playing it!!

BST has messed up my body clock, or is it that my body clock hasn't adjusted yet?!! Been having to force myself to bed most nights lately cos I'm still awake at 3am...starting to get panda eyes/zombiefied eyes again I think.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Starting the week off slowly

Last night I had so many things I wanted to do today but I got up feeling less than positive :(

I tried walking to the doc's but managed to get as far as being able to see town before I headed back home because my thighs are killing me; I assume from the walking on Friday.

At least I left the house and got a bit of fresh air. Now I'm just slowly tidying thru' loads of stuff in the attic, trying to trim the crap down. I've got loads of papery stuffs and cd's all over the place, so it's all going in the bin unless it looks important. The idea is to get it to a point where it can be a separate "living room" for me and Ollie so we can have a proper telly and have somewhere to watch stuff that we like!

I'll be very amazed if it doesn't take too long to sort out; but it's a good project for now.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

I want or need a cinema buddy

I'd love a friend to go to the pictures with. Mainly so that we both don't feel out of place - I hate the idea of going on my own. I also tend to go for the animated films more, oh and comedies. I want to see Rango, Hop looks good (out on Friday 1st April), and then there's Captain Jack Sparrow's latest adventure this summer. There's also an english film called 'Killing Bono' that looks like it might be good. Don't know when it's out but I keep catching the adverts on and youtube.

This n that, that n this

I hope there's more to life than this...I feel like I'm going to be single forever. Sometimes I wonder if I could cope with a relationship, and I think it would maybe help me be less depressed as it wouldn't just be me and my thoughts. I'm sure life would be nicer if I didn't feel so alone a lot of the time.

Sometimes when I've got Ollie and we're having fun, I wish I could have him for the Saturday night too, but then I wonder if I can cope with him for another day and night. Yesterday I had a headache all day till about 2pm this afternoon...all because Ollie didn't stop chattering away from 7am in the morning till about 6pm when his mum came to pick him up. Yesterday he was in a "need to explain everything I do" mode. I'd love one day for him to ask me how to do some maths or something, and not just use my knowledge of games so much!!

Friday was a bit funny, I picked him up from school and as per usual I try to get him to go into town for a bit before we go home - just so I have him to myself for a bit before I have to "share" him with nannan and grandad. I was just asking him if he wanted anything from town or to go get an ice cream, and he asked if I had a vita card. I asked him what he meant, and he said it was a card with vita written in blue, but mummy didn't have one (he wanted a subscription to the online game he plays a lot!). When I realised it was a visa card he meant (after him going thru my wallet lol), I said I would get him one from WHSmiths. (PrePay FTW). So we ended up getting a nice ice cream from the Millenium Gallery cafe before going into Smiths. When we got home, he spent the rest of the night explaining how the game works. Though he wouldn't let me have a turn!!!

I think on Saturday he was worried about me having a headache as he went and got me a coldpack to put on my head, even nagged me when I kept taking it off. Bless him.
I do like how he is a sensitive little boy, and he still loves all his cuddlies.

And now it's Sunday, and all I can think about is how alone I feel. Whether it's the lack of female interest, or the short time I get with my little boy.

It's sometimes quite hard to work out if it's me or if depression somehow amplifies the feelings.
All I do know is that I don't want to be like this forever.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Understanding CityVille

Just something different that got my brain working earlier. CityVille is one of them annoyingly addictive zynga games on facebook, so annoyingly addictive that I've started timing my crops for when I'll remember to check next!

Now, if you want to maximise your profits, at the moment we have a clover patch for 100 coins at our disposal. Before you place a decoration that gives a bonus, it tells you how much bonus you'll get for business profits. So the tactic here is to put it randomly near shops and houses to increase your bonuses. There are other decorations you can use to boost your cash that give varying bonus payouts; this just happens to be cheap and takes up only one square of land.

Monday, 21 March 2011


Anxiety hit me today. It just shows how long it's been since I've arranged to do something :(

Was meant to go to a mate's house for a BBQ, but was getting ready to go and it hit me. Head pounding, blood boiling, chills+shivers running down my back, and the feeling of my heart heavy in my chest. So instead, I went to the shop (with my hood up - when I feel like this, I have a thing about people seeing me - so I cover up as much of my face as possible) and bought some rizla's and chocolate for later.

I'd took a Propanol before all this happened, hoping it would stop some of the feeling, which it did for all of 5 minutes.

So, yet another night listening to angry music (gangsta rap, horror rap, et al) while vegetating on facebook or one of the many games I seem to have bought since Ollie realised the PC is better for some games than the Wii!

Depression; a curse and a blessing

So, I haven't posted anything for a few days. Not even been keeping up to date with tumblr, twitter, and cityville :( But the thing is, I've still been on the computer, just wasting away on games or reading random stuff.

I need to get out into the fresh air. Went to the park for an hour on Saturday with Ollie - we both managed an hour before collapsing! The walk home highlighted how weak I am at the moment too. Ollie got tired so I offered him a piggy back (he's 7 and weighs somewhere between 3 and 4 stone). I felt like my thighs were going to break and could only manage about 25 yards before I couldn't carry him anymore. I dread to think what I weigh at the moment. I usually weigh between 8 and 9 stone; the most I've ever been is 9.5 stone. It's just my metabolism and smoking probably doesn't help.

So, this is the curse of depression. I don't feel like eating most of the time, either that or the smell of food makes me feel sick. Though I am trying to eat at least 1 meal a day, and my mum n dad are making sure I get a proper meal. Gods only know what I'd be like if I was living on my own :( scary.

My personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired at the moment too, I'm afraid. These are common by-products of depression. For me, I think it's because I don't see my worth, and don't believe I'll ever meet someone to spend a bit of life with.
I nearly got Ollie to shave me on Saturday - it's good to let him do it cos he enjoys it and he's really careful and gentle. His mum thinks I'm mad for it, but I think it's good to give him little responsibility tasks!

The blessing part of depression is feeling more in tune with my emotions, and also feeling more human, more sociable. Even if I don't leave the house at the moment, except when Ollie's around. When I'm with Ollie, it's like I can't be overly depressed or anything because he needs me.

I'm feeling over anxious at the moment too which isn't helping. Just wish I knew why.

I also wish I could get this STORM stainless steel ring off my thumb cos it's getting a bit warm underneath, but it's stainless steel and my thumb knuckle seems to have got bigger. Not one of my better ideas to put it on my thumb - my fingers are too thin so it used to just fall off!

Need to get some positivity and try and take some control of my life again.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Addictive personality...I haz one!

Well, as far as some things go, I have.

I was addicted to Bejewelled Blitz on facebook, then they released Zuma Blitz which is my newest popcap addiction!

Chantelle got me back into Zynga's 'ville games. I don't really care that much for any of them apart from CityVille - reminds me so much of SimCity (which I used to love!)

I'm already thoroughly addicted to World of Warcraft, and I think I'm slowly getting addicted to DC Universe Online :( lol.

Oh and I'm a smoker - though I would love to change this in the right frame of mind.


Once upon a time, this was my daily routine. A cuppa tea, headache tablets and just the one anti-depressant.
I wish I could go back to that time sometimes; I had my own place, my own independence, a girlfriend, seeing my son more regular than now, and I was on less medication. But I messed up quite badly.

So. Here I am, living with my parents (I know, I'm 39) until such a time when I can afford to live on my own, and look after myself properly. Y'know, the things that most 'normal' people take for granted like proper sleep patterns, eating 3 proper meals a day, bathing regularly. I've lost all this with the 'side-effects' or by-products of depression. Oh to be 'human' again.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Need to release some thoughts!

Okies, I've had this blog knocking around for aeons. Literally! Initially blogs scared me because of my clever knack for not writing tons of words when a few will do just perfectly! But then after seeing what's possible with tumblr, maybe I should get into this again!

Release The Thoughts.....