Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Justice is served (I guess)

So I was wrongfully dreading this morning; as I always do. You'd think my brain would have learnt that by now, but no, anxiety and collywobbles get the better of me...still.

Some background information to explain:
A few years ago, when I was locked in heavy battle with anxiety and depression, when my self-esteem was at an all time low (pretty similar to how I have been lately...vicious circle perhaps?), I somehow got wound up doing some bad things because someone made me feel respected, and I was feeding off it to try and help my mood.
Well, part of me knew it was dodgy, but a bigger part of me was enjoying the seemingly good respect I was experiencing. Now, I know it was a bad time for me because I can only remember certain bits - is it normal or just me that obliterates bad memories (I'd say blocked, but that implies I can somehow unblock them!).

So I got embroiled in a spot of money laundering. Then it got heavy when the person who I thought was a friend started threatening me and my family amongst other things. Luckily for me the moral part of me kicked in and I went to the police. That was scary; being interviewed - on tape, having my mugshot, fingerprints, and dna took.
I'm not entirely sure how long ago that was because time is kind of distorted, and has been ever since I was first diagnosed with depression :(

Answering bail had become a part of my routine, and a chance to find out what lies the real criminals had tried to pass off as my doing - they were trying to make out as though it was all my idea. Fools.

Throughout the criminal activity, while gaining what I thought was a self-esteem boost, I also lost a lot of things; mostly monetary stuff that they swindled me out of, but also my trust for other people and a few other issues.

So last night I couldn't sleep as usual, but didn't want to get out of bed this morning (ostrich!!).
Got there in plenty of time, had a fag outside to calm what little nerves needed calming (it never works though), and went in. When the reception woman said I was free to go I think I was in slight shock because I had to question what she meant! Then she said the custody sergeant said I was free to go, no charges. result.

Now, throughout the whole thing, I was straight with the police and they were straight with me. I didn't once think I needed a solicitor because, to me, you tend to need a solicitor if you're hiding some truth, but I was telling the truth. They in turn said that they would tell me if I needed a solicitor, which I thought was a good gesture on their part.

So, I'm free now.
I'm not sure how I feel, obviously I'm happy that it's over and I can forget about the mad nightmares I was having about passing out in court, but I also feel a bit of loss because they had become a part of my life, my routine. And I'm pretty sure it will be a while yet before I get over the anxieties of certain situations or people that remind me of the people involved, but it's time to try and tackle the next problem.

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