Sunday, 27 March 2011

This n that, that n this

I hope there's more to life than this...I feel like I'm going to be single forever. Sometimes I wonder if I could cope with a relationship, and I think it would maybe help me be less depressed as it wouldn't just be me and my thoughts. I'm sure life would be nicer if I didn't feel so alone a lot of the time.

Sometimes when I've got Ollie and we're having fun, I wish I could have him for the Saturday night too, but then I wonder if I can cope with him for another day and night. Yesterday I had a headache all day till about 2pm this afternoon...all because Ollie didn't stop chattering away from 7am in the morning till about 6pm when his mum came to pick him up. Yesterday he was in a "need to explain everything I do" mode. I'd love one day for him to ask me how to do some maths or something, and not just use my knowledge of games so much!!

Friday was a bit funny, I picked him up from school and as per usual I try to get him to go into town for a bit before we go home - just so I have him to myself for a bit before I have to "share" him with nannan and grandad. I was just asking him if he wanted anything from town or to go get an ice cream, and he asked if I had a vita card. I asked him what he meant, and he said it was a card with vita written in blue, but mummy didn't have one (he wanted a subscription to the online game he plays a lot!). When I realised it was a visa card he meant (after him going thru my wallet lol), I said I would get him one from WHSmiths. (PrePay FTW). So we ended up getting a nice ice cream from the Millenium Gallery cafe before going into Smiths. When we got home, he spent the rest of the night explaining how the game works. Though he wouldn't let me have a turn!!!

I think on Saturday he was worried about me having a headache as he went and got me a coldpack to put on my head, even nagged me when I kept taking it off. Bless him.
I do like how he is a sensitive little boy, and he still loves all his cuddlies.

And now it's Sunday, and all I can think about is how alone I feel. Whether it's the lack of female interest, or the short time I get with my little boy.

It's sometimes quite hard to work out if it's me or if depression somehow amplifies the feelings.
All I do know is that I don't want to be like this forever.


  1. You wont be here forever. I think that making some positive changes in your life could really work to your advantage. You could make some plans.
    Pills are all very well but by making positive changes and positive plans you will see a difference - even if only a small one.
    Cheer up! You're obviously a really good daddy! xxx

  2. Thanking you :)
    At the moment I can't make plans cos the anxiety kicks in - I tend to have to do things without thinking? so that I can't think about it too much.

    Most Sundays are like this, where I doubt everything :(

    I think this week I'll try to be more positive