Monday, 9 May 2011

Waking up confused!

So last night I had 4 hours sleep, but I think it was very deep sleep (which makes a change!) as I woke up somewhat confused. So confused that I forgot how much sugar I put in my morning coffee, then went out for a fag but locked the door behind me and couldn't understand why the door was locked when I tried to get back in the house *doh* *lol*

It was a very vivid dream (or was it a nightmare, I don't know). And it seems to be recurring which makes me wonder whether my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

My dream consists of being with someone who I love and care about, but she doesn't have a face. We're laid in a field on a hot summer's day, just chatting and holding hands while staring at the clouds. And for that briefest of moments, a part of my life seems sorted.

I don't know, maybe it's because Charlene seems so happy now that she's got a love interest, or maybe it is a part of my psyche/subconscious telling me that if that was me then at least that would be a third of my depression that I didn't have to worry about.

You see, way back when this all started (depression), I felt like my whole life had fallen apart; my love life was in ruin, I hated my job/career path, and my health was failing me - my mental health worker at the time said I was unique because usually people suffering from depression only have one thing that makes them fall apart so it's easier to get them to conquer it. Not me, no, I had to be bloody different!

I wish I could calm the noise in my head so I could meditate and ask my subconscious (my self) if it's trying to send me a message!!


  1. Just because i have a new 'love interest' doesn't mean i am not still finding life to be a bitch. I just have something occupying my time a lot so i have to put some sort of front on and ...also, i guess it's a distraction...
    Don't giev up xxx

  2. ta babe, I'm not giving up, just growing tired of being "forever alone". It just feels like a lifetime ago when things were on an even keel; I think I've been in this depression state of mind for 3 years now and still no light at the end of the tunnel. Gods that's a long time :(